Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
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Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
secret recipe
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat