I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES