Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”