to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what