Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
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I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
im 7 sauces long
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.