I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I know this now 😂
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.