Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
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Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
(Electricians.)
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long