I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
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*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”