I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.