Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi