WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
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ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If snakes were wide
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast