Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

This might be the funniest tweet ever

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

Squirrels before girls.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”