@CornOnTheGoblin

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

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@rnc00

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

@SteveSuckington

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

@ozzyunc

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

@Elizasoul80

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

@LloBrow

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

@KentWGraham

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?