CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
WORKER: so do you want that
WORKER: what else
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]
Hipster: I’ll take 4
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.