@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

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@OllyiConic

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

@reallifemommy3

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

@aimiekins

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

@TheRolo

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

@TheToddWilliams

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@PJTLynch

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM