♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

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Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.


Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.


I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.


Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!


My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.


Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah


ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.


Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.


kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter


DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*