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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
can’t bark with your mouth full
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.