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Facebook memories be like
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.