Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.