You Might Also Like
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.