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*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
What my back needs
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool