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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees