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I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*