You Might Also Like
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Thaw me like one of your french fries
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.