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I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.