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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.