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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Cause of death: Zumba
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Wednesday
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Worth a try
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what