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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.