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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum