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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Choose your fighter
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?