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I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Stop sending me this shit.
Never forget.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Camel dough
