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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.