@_KrisWilson_

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@fro_vo

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

@itsmebeegee07

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her β€œI HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

@stevevsninjas

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

@clichedout

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

@DirtyMelodies

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

@Darlainky

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

@ChristineVinard

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?