TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?