🎵 I can’t wait to
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!