🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
You Might Also Like
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Happy Caturday!
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
how it started vs how it ended
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.