Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

The Weeknd is back

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”