👍
You Might Also Like
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct