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Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Don’t forget to tip your server
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.