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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom