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I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck