😂🖐️
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“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.