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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…