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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
never ask a starfish for directions
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that