You Might Also Like
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
The cashier just checked me out.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
plums roundup
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect