You Might Also Like
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.