Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name