😭😭😭
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks