😭😭
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DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt