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Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.