🙂🐾
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.