🤣😂🤣😂🤣
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I came this close!!!!
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.